OW!!! Stubbed my toe!!
Moms: Well, have you had any water today?

me [vacuuming]

my kids: Who’s coming over?

I’ve found that the easiest way to get rid of headaches is to make them go play outside.

Our dog is a year old today but I wasn’t sure if I should put 7 candles on her cake.

What base is it when she calls you 'Boomer?'

I would describe my style as Costco goth

Nobody is more annoying than new couples in line at a theme park

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Wife: Can you take the quinoa off the stove?

Me: Sure, can you hold the trash open?

Lindy is a year old today!

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast.

Tell someone you love them today but scream it in German so it’s terrifying

Outside dodging cicadas like I'm in the matrix.

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

EVERY THREE DAY WEEKEND IS A NIGHTMARE FOR DIVORCE ATTORNEYS.

Sir, I’m just trying to enjoy my pina colada I don’t know why your ex didn’t show up at the Walmart parking lot at the designated pick up time.

Somewhere, out there, is a multiverse where every movie doesn’t star Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds or a member of the Skarsgard family.

My wife is taking our youngest to her first-ever concert in Boston to see P1Harmony official and I wish I was there because our daughter is so far beyond excited I can’t even explain it.