I’ll be wearing a periwinkle blue leisure suit for the rest of the week as a result of hearing a Boz Scaggs song yesterday

What wine pairs best with having a hormonal teenage daughter?

I dont get many likes because my followers are busy doing cool shit like fucking and microwaving fireworks

nice things I say to myself Who wears a tie between their bra and their earrings?

What's the first thing you take off when you get home from work and if it's not a tie between your bra and earrings you're gonna have to explain it to me

Way too many people are the thieves of joy on this app. 'Do you enjoy something? Let me tell you everything wrong with it!'

Men automatically say stretch marks are beautiful, they’ve been taught to say that.

it was a very long time before i realized red lobster wasn’t the upscale dinery my parents led me to believe it was

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won't eat this kibble because it is slightly damp.

Cocaine is coming back? Are folks mad at their nose cartilage?

I can’t imagine the mental torture it is to go through life with only some people calling you Maurice.

I have never met a ferret owner that isn't creepy as fuck.

Locking myself in the supply closet until my coworkers stop discussing young sheldon

Why are smart people so stupid?

Are breakfast margaritas a thing?

No, I don't have a guest room. Anyone too drunk to drive home can crash on the couch, like God intended.

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn't want them to see this mess.

#90dayfiance thesinglelife #90dayfiance
Production: let’s get that tight shirt on big mike 😆 like we did last time

Dear kids, be nice to your parents they used to have to watch tv like this.

Who wants to stroke my pussy and tell her how pretty she is?
My cat, you dirty minded motherfuckers