Bono: I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Tag Team: Whoomp, there it is

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Good morning to everyone except people at the supermarket checkout who don’t move along the conveyor belt at the same time as their shopping

That text could've been an emoji.

When your college kid doesn’t get the classes they need during registration it can be a major problem. A minor one too.

Parenting experts never warn you that one day you'll offer to let your son borrow one of your ties to match the suit he's wearing for prom and he'll respond by asking you if you have anything that's not from the 1900s

In case you were questioning my mental health I just bought my son a slide whistle.

Not many people like to think about this but before the Piano Man was the Piano Man he was the Recorder Boy.

My girls were being complete wild raccoons and some dude said enjoy every moment it goes by fast so I told them to attack.

Is nobody going to talk about how that witch Marie Callendar creates a flaky crust on her microwave pot pie?

I wore makeup and now my phone refuses to recognise me.

I don't think a disembodied skull is scary. What's it gonna do, trip you?

If you sleep wrong and your neck hurts all day, everyone has to know about it.

They should just combine Reynolds and Gosling into one Ryan.

If you're better than most people at Limbo...

Are you still below average? 🤔

No one’s more of a meteorologist than a dad going to a baseball game.

TBH, “phoning it in” still sounds like a lot of work.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.