Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

A coworker's new baby is named Floyd so I'm assuming they accidentally brought a bassett hound home from the hospital

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Pirate: oh no, the song of the siren

Siren: Eeeooo Eeeooo, beep beep beep AWOOOOGAHHH

Pirate: [pulling over]

Ok let's just end this debate right now.

Which is better?

1. Coffee
2. Coffee
3. Coffee
4. Coffee

Cat Rap

If you got a problem cats can't solve it
Check out your sheets while I loudly vomit

Is it mousie? Let me mouthy
I put my fang down, bite it and re-serve it

Don't pet me cause I'll jump off this ledge
I'm trying not to bite your head

Lizzo might have put the sing in single, but did she put the sad in sadomasochist? Because I sure can.

My self-confidence level right now is pretty much 'white Lizzo' in case you were wondering how 40 feels.

If I get drafted by the NFL I won't forget about you guys!

The level of stupidity on this planet is unfuckingbelievable

Are you a DIYer? If you’re a DIYer, you have to tell us. That’s the law.

Pretty sure the little angel and devil on my shoulders is just Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets heckling me through life

My kid said she can’t wait till she’s an adult and can eat chips for dinner, and I’m just happy she has some goals.

Can’t, I realised that I am not as cool as I thought I was.

If there are no rat marriages we have to assume they’re all rat bastards.

There’s only one President who’s supposed to be above the law, and that is Me.

Is it possible to karaoke a Milli Vanilli song?

It’s amazing how a nice drink on a Friday afternoon reanimates you. Kinda like sea monkeys.

Yesterday one of my students told me that whenever he runs into a teacher outside of school in he never says hi because it’ll “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

If you’re over 40 and think people your age look old I have some devastating news for you.