Him, 8, touching my calloused big toe:
“What is this, concrete?”

Me and who trojan horsing our way into this home goods

Trader Joe’s cashier: so any plans for your birthday

me: *gestures at cart full of wine and cheese*

My kids are writing a mystery series called mom where did YOU put all the chargers?

The year is 2042. Home Goods is decorative pillows and dog beds as far as the eye can see, a lone 𝑙𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑙𝑎𝑢𝑔ℎ 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 sign stands as a reminder of a different time

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

Let this be a lesson to all husbands everywhere. Get her the ice cream.

My mental health has improved greatly over the last week. No, I’m not taking medication, I just stopped reading the comments on Facebook.

and then one day adult beverages means metamucil and pepto bismol

Do we really need morning every day? It seems excessive

my kid announced she is writing her New York Times bestseller “Dumb Ways to Swing.”

leaving the wife with the kids after I gave them cake and soda for breakfast

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the fuck they want.

[watching people from a distance] there’s no way this nonsense evolved naturally

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Wine Down Wednesdays have been replace with Wine Down Weekdays

Nothing says due diligence like checking your kid for a fever with all 26 thermometers you own.

A couple from church brought us dinner because I broke my ankle. When they dropped it off my 7yo yelled, “I hope it’s wings!”

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you're taking notes when he walks into the room.