In 2003 I was in a shop & Clocks by Coldplay was playing. When it came to the lyrics "Confusion that never stops..." a random bloke sang over the next bit with "sweaty balls & itchy cock". For over 20 years that's all I hear when that song plays. Thanks random bloke.

44 years old and I've accepted most of the signs that I'm not a young man anymore: sprouting hair from ears/nose, expanding waistline, general aches and pains in joints. But what upsets me most is now having to hold my phone further away from me in order to be able to read it.

Got bullied at school. As an adult, I use the standard lines about no hard feelings, can't hold adults accountable for actions when they were kids etc. But secretly, I'm combing social media and local news hoping to see they're dead, in prison or married to munters.

We need to stop trusting the experts.” Alright then. Let’s see where that gets us. 👇 Don’t trust the pediatrician who spent over a decade learning how to keep your sick child alive. Don’t trust the pilot who trained thousands of hours so your flight doesn’t end in a fireball.

Double glazing window bastards are bastards, got some quotes a while back and Anglian call every 2 months without fail & post letters despite me telling them to fuck off and already having my windows done. I'm now using their SAEs to post bits of my old conservatory to them.

Teams meeting, 50+ people on camera. Someone said "now then, now then". For reasons beyond me, I launched into a full Jimmy Savile improv complete with honking & "jingle jangle jewellery jewellery". Thereafter followed the quietest silence I have ever known in my life. Mortified.

To all the snipers out there criticising women’s football, guess what my daughter is a double European champion, how many people can say that, well done lionesses 🏆🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Saw a bloke on the tube at 7.30am peel the cover off a Sainsbury's trifle. People were watching, interested to see how he'd approach it. He got a large Dairy Milk Fruit and Nut bar out of his pocket, unwrapped it, then used it as a spoon to eat the trifle. Sensational viewing

Received an email from a friend. It seems he's on holiday, lost his passport and wallet and to top it all he's lost his voice and can't talk on the phone. Could i bail him out with a bank transfer? He's having a rough time, with all this coming on top of his having died in 2024.

We are sad to announce that James Whale MBE died earlier today aged 74, following a lengthy battle with cancer. As a broadcasting legend for over 50-years, James will be missed by so many at TALK and the wider News UK family.

As we mourn the loss of a dear colleague, friend and legend of the broadcasting world, here are some of James Whale's greatest moments on TALK.

The bloke got his knob out and started screaming at people in front of children, who were all trapped inside a confined space with him. What are the other blokes on the carriage supposed to do? Give him a hug?

Waitrose re-usable carrier bags are completely watertight and very strong. Sometimes I use them to carry maybe 15 litres of water out of the house and round town. It gives me a small thrill as it's completely pointless. Nobody has caught me out yet.

Life in the Era of the 1990s. A Thread🧵 1. Hands-free telephone headset tv commercial from 1993

Just walked into a lovely seaside town church and strolled reverently around. Then nipped into their tiny toilet and blocked it with a monstrous shit. Felt so bad I donated a tenner on my way out.

Keir Starmer "I won't shy away from decisions to protect kids..." Oh, good news, the Prime Minister is finally going to stop dumping large numbers of unvetted migrants into hotels next to schools and— "...We're stopping shops from selling high-caffeine energy drinks to under-16s." Ah.

My next door neighbours are a family that appeared on Family Fortunes and did very, very, very badly. I like to wind them up by plying the "uh uhhh!" sound on my phone when they're in the garden or coming up the path to their front door.

🚨An elected Councillor in Burnley has said 'good riddance' to Charlie Kirk and encouraged violence against another, presumably Donald Trump. Make her famous. She must resign.

The Labour Party x.com/Nigel_Farage/s…

9 arrests at the Unite the Kingdom rally. MSM: Far-right yobs, best avoided. 528 arrests at Notting Hill carnival. MSM: A vibrant display for a family day out.