Telling her you're a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you're a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, 'just joking.'

NOW tell her you're a magician.

i guess the hardest part is that nobody acknowledges my self checkout skills.

Another neither brawl breaks out in the ol' two option saloon as the double swinging doors take no side, no one is in or out, ace dives off the piano onto one and eleven. It was great for me, always the 'I don't know' even when faced with certain certainty.

hey, sorry I'm tardy, there was confusion on the steam punk freeway

one time in the 1980s my family briefly got put into a very low level witness protection program where the only thing we had to do was rename our dog

kinda fucked up to buy a king or queen sized mattress on presidents day even if they are on sale

genie: what was that commercial jingle?
me: which one?
genie: you know, the one about hot dogs
me: i wish i were an oscar mayer wiener?
genie: hehehe
me: you bastard

roses are red
violets are blue
mix them together
you get a violet’s actual hue

*my wife reading her valentine’s card*
roses are red
violets are blue
flowers are expensive
especially on valentine's day
where i think there's some price gouging
going on
someone should look
into this industry
is it run by criminals?
cub scouts?
darth vader?
it’s unseemly

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

🎵 every single one of us, spaghetti inside

A nutty professor? That's macadamia for you.

we don’t tickle any other instruments. piano needs to calm down

me: *listening to don’t go chasing waterfalls* did a waterfall write this

Used to be that when your egg hatched you could still wear the bottom part as underpants and the top part as a little hat as your went about your business. But you can’t anymore. Because of woke.

Tootsie rolls are just chocolate Starburst.

Wake up people.

I really want to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

my life is layered. I'm living my best lasagna

maybe the real grim reaper was the friends we made along the way

them: order us chocolate cherry bombs

me: *thinking about other delicious weapons* they'll have the white chocolate pocket knives