how can I make arbor day about me

a loud pop as i flop into my seat at the ballet. i shift my weight uncomfortably as i lean over to whisper 'no intermission custard' to my date.

People who eat bugs are pestitarians.

[On the phone with Pest Control]

'Help; my baby swallowed a bug.'

A fruit bat thinks it's hot stuff for finding a great mango, then it sees a micro bat using sonar to swipe tiny bugs out of the air.

„˙ɥO„

relationship status: eating cat food off of a banjo using a screwdriver

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Having seasonal allergies must be so embarrassing. Like wow the trees are so horny you sneeze? Ok.

It was the Busta Rimes, it was the Wusta Rhymes.

Time-traveling to the Victorian era for Tinctures and Curiosities.

They were called The Knights Of The Round Table because they were sitting in a sircle.

Finding out is just a scam invented by big fuck around.

My mum always said that if she wanted something done right she would do it herself. That advice has stuck with me to this day. If I want something done right, I still ask my mum to do it.

My doctor is taking notes on a pad of paper with a hospice's logo on it. It's probably fine.

Swedish is just Norwegian German

Spiritual leaders won't tell you this, but you can achieve Nirvana through extreme diarrhea.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the correlation of the mcribs returning whenever the cicadas do.

Wait till you hear my new mirthless laugh. It’s so hollow!