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Life is so much more beautiful when you're not looking at it from behind bars.

Water your plants today they miss you

Some local sweet corn might fix me.

Some of you put a shit ton of negative energy out into the world and then wonder why that’s all you get back like…

People in nursing homes are having more sex than any of us. Happy weekend!

when we're together the world can't touch us.

I want to live in a world where I can play stupid games and win FABULOUS prizes

I am brave. I am strong. I am going to walk 15 feet out of my way to avoid that cicada.

*buys calming tea* *gets stressed out* *drinks wine instead* *repeats forever*

Garbage Pail Kids taught me being gross, loud, and slightly unwell isn’t a phase. It’s the American dream.

You know the company is unscrupulous when their customer service rep tells you what to say to dispute the charge with your credit card company.

Be patient…the universe has something better coming for you.

[mouth full of food] I’m happy. So very, very happy! Waiter: Ma’am, we’re closed. Pls let go of the fork.

I’m going to start grading people’s tweets

I don't copy paste my old tweets for a reason. That was then, this is now.

I hydrated for this?!

I tweet for the moms who have to stay up late to make sure their kids get home safe and then wake up early to clean up the mess they made when they got home.