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He was whistling happy tunes before my morning coffee, your honor

Anyone know the name of this song? *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle *whistle

Shut up! You’re ruining my confusion

Sometimes I’m really glad my dog doesn’t speak English.

My husband sprayed roundup on flowers I planted and just shrugged when I said I was disappointed so I’m sending him across town to buy something I know they stopped making in 1995

I just read a tweet comparing sexual acts with a dog as being the same as breastfeeding your baby. Some people shouldn’t have access to the internet.

I feel like owning a taser would solve a lot of my problems

What doesn’t kill me makes my drink stronger.

I like to romance my squash and cucumbers when I hand pollinate them. Everything responds to Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing. Especially the cucumbers.

Not to brag but I can whistle the intro to the Guns N' Roses "Patience" song.

NASCAR would be a lot more entertaining if the drivers had as much to drink as the fans do.

Up all night thinking about “the one that got away” but it was just the spider over my bed that I failed to kill.

It’s not just the lion—you’re all a bunch of cowards, Dorothy.

The world is full of contradictions. Always has been. That’s why we have Fatboy Slim.

One day you're playing kick ball, the next life is kicking your balls.

hate to brag but someone told me I was a real asset today. they pronounced it “ass-hat” but I’m pretty sure that’s just their accent

I put the oof in aloof.

Counting the margaritas I’m drinking like I’m ’The Count’ from Sesame Street. Ah ah ah!

Get my head in the game? Bro, I don't even understand the rules.

Voted the most popular girl in the psych ward