Welcome to your fifties. You’re an expert on bagels now.

Whisper your Dunkin order in my ear.

Not too many babies named Gary these days.

Health insurance is trying to tell me they won’t cover my butt hurt because it was a preexisting condition.

My superpower is turning a five-minute task into a three-hour spiral of snacks and self-doubt

Ain't no sleep for the fishes.

I wonder what the most farted on chair in the world is.

It's socially acceptable to eat a bowl of yogurt, but not a bowl of sour cream.

A jack in the box is better than a jack on the floor.

Quiet morning, coffee and no eye contact is the perfect trifecta.

Using my “inside your head voice” is super hard for me.

The older I get the more I try to avoid people and their bullshit.

I like to do this magic trick where I make my shitty day disappear. I call it "Drinking" Ta-da!

People who eat snacks in moderation are adorable.

Not even the music artists are safe from AI. This song was straight 🔥

I prefer awkward silence over someone who doesn’t shut the fuck up.

People who use the silent treatment to get their way are adorable.

I only came back to see the Twitter beef unfold like an Arby's sandwich.