My baby brother would be 39 today.

You know what’s sexy—
doing what you say you’ll do.

If you can’t take accountability - or at least recognize the fact that your words and actions can have an affect on how someone else feels then you have more growing to do, my friend.

When exactly does the universe stop kicking you in the nuts?

I love these lazy Sundays where I just curl up with the giant Sunday paper... I mean my cell phone

Sorry I am late.
I had to change my outfit 3 times.

Ginger
'I confess...

I built the great wall of china,...
...
But I was really just trying to stack some Dixie-plates and red solo cups.'

Imagine being so pathetic that you must work your whole life just to live.

Stupidest tweet of all time?

I’ll go first… And probably second.

Ginger
*walks over*
*looks around*

'... I can see all the water droplets in the air!'

*nods*
*walks off*

Not to brag but I haven’t bought anything from Amazon in almost 3 hours

Ironically both my eyes are lazy but they’re not terribly independent.

I’ve been a part of construction so long rain gives me anxiety… I dream leaks.

Pronounces kale like lasagna

When she says she wants to be left the fuck alone, what she really means is the opposite.

You know, so she can get a restraining order.

I either look like I walked out of a magazine or out from under a bridge. There’s no in between.

Bake more cookies. People stop bitching when their faces are full of baked goods.

Adults are just old children these days
Nobody bothers trying to grow up

Am I petty?

In 2019 someone commented “not funny” under my tweet

I’ve catfished him for 5 years. Made him fall in love with me

He’s meeting me at a restaurant for the first time tonight (I won’t be there)

The waiter will give him a note that’s just my tweet he commented on

Not sure who needs to hear this but stop tweeting and driving.