There's nothing more embarrassing in life than getting up and bowling in front of people.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but sometimes it's okay to just throw the Tupperware away instead of cleaning out what's inside of it.

Not enough rap songs about Costco hotdogs.

I encountered my first cyber truck in the wild today. Shit looked like the brave little toaster on meth

Hey I saw you from across the bar and wanted to ask- can I have some of your drink? I dont really like mine

On behalf of real men, no we fucking don’t!

If I got bitten by a zombie I would 100% hide it from the group

What if I see a high Ostrich?

Sadly the men won’t know about the top window

Who said t-shirts are allowed to be $35. I just wanna talk

and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids

Don't you fucking worry about how much caffeine I've had.

IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.

ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?

INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT

i’m happy to share this lifetime with you but if it’s possible can we find each other in every other lifetime too

Honestly I don’t know how many more rodeos I can take

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Just a reminder to do whatever the fuck you want