Shhh.. feel that? That's the urine leaving my body.

If you people didn’t complain about people tweeting about wordle, I NEVER would’ve known it existed Sometimes you are the problem you complain about

If you don’t have anything nice to say, let’s hang out

You can blink for 10 minutes when you don’t have time to nap

*sips piping hot coffee off your body*

When my wife told me I was her first and I would be her last, I guess I kind of imagined there would be a few in between as well…

Btw y’all, getting cold is a female trait.

Every Wednesday, I live in fear of someone saying “Happy Hump Day” to me

Some people just look like their breath stinks, and it’s very disturbing.

Men sure are good at women's sports.

That moment you understand why “out of this world” is so significant

Answering a phone call from me gonna make you wish I was a bot caller

That guy I dated 25 years ago still wants to have a chat with me. Bro, I’m not that stupid anymore.

Did you hear about the new variant omibang

got another booty call from whoopi

[throwing up after drinking 9 IPAs] omg, hold my hair, brah

I'm too old and tired to play games and I have shit to do so you're either in my life or you're out

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.