Sometimes I pretend I know what people are talking about just to get them to stop explaining.

At least she wasn't born on Juneteenth. 🎂

Trust the science

The sound of technology makes me hate people

Every man I had sex with when I was 14 knew I was 14 beforehand. LGBTQ culture has no socially imposed boundaries on it. They don't police themselves. They are too consumed with protecting their political causes and shaming rightwing bigots. Teen sex work is the norm in LGBTQ

Confidence is a poor substitute for intelligence.

And I wanna sleep with you in the dessert tonight With a billion spoons all around

Was there ever any greater joy than a few rounds of hopscotch

Was there ever any greater joy than the new release section at Blockbuster

"Your best work" "Solve challenges" The only way to save humanity is the destruction of all technology.

It’s weird how people show up at your door unexpectedly and expect you to answer.

Only noobs who suck your dick call it X

You’re cute, but not, a selfie a day cute.

You only think you want to live in a cave with rustic furniture and a water bucket.

New parents in 2024 are hyperannoying

There are over 70k people per square mile in Manhattan. Uhhhh, nope.

I took a flight on Spirit Airlines and came back to leader of a fight club.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who buys 99 cent rolling papers.

If you can’t summon your own demons store bought is fine