*Wholesome Tweet*

She was rare, like the Canadian girlfriend whose smart phone had a functioning camera.

me: *relaxing*

my brain: what if i ruined that

Sex is great and all but have you ever slept through the whole night without having to go pee?

he’s smiling 😭😭🥰

I crack myself up …..a lot.

Check out my new cookery book you guys. It's called 'Fuck It, Get Takeout' and it's just 300 blank pages that you can tear out to use as napkins.

Flying by the seat of my pants and I'm all out of pants. Whee!

The pair of beetles were right next to each other on the cotton bud, but the bird only saw the larger one. And ate him.

So you see, it does pay to be the lesser of two weevils.

It's time to go lead my unexciting life.

Elephants: we have the longest memories.

Women: that’s adorable.

One day you're young and cool, the next you're increasing the font size on your phone so much it can be seen from outer space!

I'll make eye contact with you whilst I eat a banana, I don't give a fuck, bananas are delish.

I need a coffee bigger than Travis Kelce.

Don’t tell me about your childhood problems …. my mom use to lick her thumb and wipe my face in the middle of Kmart

Іs there a contract that men over 40 sіgn requіrіng them to wear ugly sneakers all the time

Pineapple plant update #4🍍

your heart is a museum of everything you ever loved

I find it very unreasonable that I have to go to work if I want money.