How fucking high was the inventor of the accordion?

some lessons I learned this week:

- ouch

- what the fuck

- this cheese is good on sourdough

I’ve had long nails most of my adult life so you’d think I would never inadvertently shove my pinky nail up a nostril when applying face lotion but you’d be wrong. So so wrong.

You’re the El Camino of people.

I’m a strong , independent woman who takes care of myself!

Also me “ hmmm I wonder if I can sell some online pics of my cankles so I can be a stay at home plant mom “

We are driving home from Florida and between the exit off I-95 and our house, we passed 6 small towns and 32 Dollar Generals.

nothing wakes me up quicker than a dog about to barf.

At 41, I think I finally look old enough to play a tv show character in high school

When can we put music behind our tweets like on Ig with pics? I really need that.

You can buy a green sport coat and tell everyone that you won the Masters in 1995. No one will remember because they were all watching the OJ trial.

i hate leaving the house, even to go do something fun, i just want to rot in my little hovel is that too much to ask

R̶o̶s̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶d̶,̶ ̶v̶i̶o̶l̶e̶t̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶b̶l̶ What should we do with people who have loud conversations in hotels' hallways?

I can't wait for the day when I start hallucinating for no reason.

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to carry this baby for 9 months, feed it every 3 hours, take care of it constantly until it becomes an extension of me and then one day I’m just supposed to let them go off into the big world by themselves and hope they text occasionally?

I may be lazy, but not go shopping in my pajamas lazy.🙄

You know you screwed up BIG, if she is calling you by your full name.

The number of boneheaded mistakes I've made in my life is astounding.

The number of people who've noticed my boneheaded mistakes is equally astounding.

Sugar daddies should just hang out by the entrance to Costco as I’m heading in