mugger: how much you got me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

I'm unemployed at heart, and no job will ever change that.

Suddenly there's a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

you’re so productive for your wage

When someone is like ugh sorry my hair is greasy it’s like seriously thanks for apologizing. We were all thinking about it and it’s actually making me sick

ever since i was a little kid i knew i wanted to be unemployed

“how was work today” oh i try not to think about that

So embarrassing in an antique shop when I tried to buy a vase and it turned out to be the negative space between the faces of two other customers

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

shoutout to all my homies who can hear plugged in appliances (even ones turned off), light fixtures humming, and when something is fully charged cause the noise changes

We just need to invent a straw that lasts a little bit longer than 4 seconds but still less than a million years

I sign all my notes, “I used my favorite pen to write this.” As sentences go, it's nearly as charming as I am.

Not hot, not cold, but a third, secret temperature only my wife can feel

stop asking me “as a vegetarian how do you get enough protein?” i don’t! i don’t get enough protein! i’m not very good at taking care of myself!

Invented a new drinking game where you watch the election results and drink when anything.

At goat yoga, there's no guarantee a goat will pick you for a partner. Yoga goats have free will.