Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

Tbh, bro, my fancy has never been less tickled.

God: check this out

Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do

God: I made parking cost $10

I don’t need google I have a wife.

I just learned that water towers are not just filled to the top with water. They are empty with pipes running inside them. My whole childhood is crushed. I always had nightmares of falling into one of those giant things and drowning.

My washing machine claiming it only has 1 minute left is why I have trust issues

My wife’s love language is rage cleaning our home.

no matter how many examples that my wife keeps pointing out, I refuse to believe my kids get their stubborness from me

I’m delighted to announce that my 10yr old now says “I do not want to be seen as your daughter” whilst walking ahead of me.

Marriage tip: If your wife says it’s ok for you to go out on a guys night while she stays with the kids, bring back something juicy for her to enjoy and feast on, like gossip.

“Mommy, I accidentally had an accident… on the floor”

And other things they left out of parenting books

Never could I imagine being excited for anyone’s bowel movements but then my daughter used the potty to do so and I performed a whole song and dance

Freaked out over seeing something in my eggs and realized it was my fork.

Sorry for the things I said when I was over-caffeinated

My kids say they're sick of pizza Fridays, and frankly, I'm starting to question if they're really mine or there was a mixup at the hospital.

The lady at the Burger King drive-thru window asked me if I wanted a crown with my order and I said yes. When she handed it to me, I started to cry.

I’m fine. Why do you ask?

Pee my name in cursive into a dirty snowbank outside my favourite Tim Hortons
or gtfo

For me, drinking responsibly means limiting my intake before bed so I’m not up all night

Finding comfort at the lake since the 1980’s.

Do you know what’s so great about Mexican food in Arizona? You can have one favorite restaurant for salsa. Another for burritos. And another for tacos. In every city.