Why yes, I do consider myself an influencer. I've influenced many accounts to block me

My fortune cookie said, "Experience is the name we give to our mistakes," but I named mine after my grandma.

Wait... The Village People were gay?

Freudian slipping right into your... ...DM’s ...I mean, pants ...I mean, life.

I bought a miniature horse online. It's being shipped to me via Pony Express.

Things that make you a piece of shit: • littering • being mean to animals • parking like an asshole • being rude to servers • lacking empathy for others • being racist, sexist, bigot, etc • not returning your goddamn shopping cart to the goddamn cart corral

*sitting in silence Microsoft Word Clippy: It looks like you’re overthinking something trivial and getting ready to sabotage a relationship. Can I help?

Operator: what’s your emergency Me: my fridge fell on me Operator: is anything broken Me: some eggs maybe

I had a salad for lunch. Where do I pick up my abs?

<insert joke format here>

I miss starring tweets. These hearts imply waaay too much.

Let’s all take a break from consuming to create.

Are Twitter crushes still a thing? Follow-up question: If so, where do I sign up?

It is really so weird that we lose all of our teeth and grow new ones.

...but how often is it that it is what it isn’t?

I love sleeping because it gets me to my next meal faster.