According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

When someone is an asshole, people will try to say they need kindness the most. No. You know who needs kindness the most? The people who were kind to begin with

My brain: Hey, you remember that show Dharma and Greg? Me: Yeah? My Brain: Yeah. Me: I’m getting you replaced.

My Brain: Hey. Me: What? My Brain: More like Bernie Made-Off with all of their money, am I right? Me: Why are we thinking about Bernie Madoff in 2021? My Brain: Made Off! You get it?

My Brain: hey Me: oh my god what!? My Brain with a German accent for no reason: But vhat if his name vas Wolf Ballroom Blitzer? Me: Why are you so broken? My Brain: lol lol Volf Ballroomblitzer

I'm the very model of a modern Dollar General.

Because of demand and interest in superhero movies, studios are racing to option Billy Joel's Piano-Man

Check out my newest button for sale #SchittsCreek #David #etsy David Rose Button etsy.me/35iWF7K

I keep seeing commercials for Jersey Sub but never for Jersey Dom. Personally, I’m a Virginia switch.

Cici n’est pas une tweet

The News: Capitol in Washington has been invaded by scum of the earth Groupon :

I can currently tweet 100% more than a sitting President.

I ain't afraid of no ghost. I am afraid of yes ghost. I ain't not afraid of zero ghosts. I ain't not no afraid of no not there being any ghosts. Bustin' makes me feel good

#NewProfilePic