Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper

King: what does she look like?

Prince Charming: girl

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but teach him how to make pasta and he’ll eat for like a week that’s way too much pasta Greg

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe

I wish my bed was as comfortable when I try to sleep as it is when my alarm goes off

A woman's place is in the kitchen, so she can taste this delicious carbonara I am making

interviewer: why do you want this job

me: I need money to buy food

yeah I’m great in bed I’ve been here for 12 hours

Mix it up this weekend by staring into a different part of the void

anyone: I hope this email finds you well

me: question is [cocking gun] how did it find me

son: why can’t I have a birthday party

me: I mean we could have one [ruffles his hair] but it might kill grandma

Monopoly but you can’t afford to buy a house and the taxes keep going up and all the Chance cards are bills and if you pass Go you just do the same shit over and over again

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: :)

Aladdin: [points at globe] this is Spain

[first day as doctor]

me: hahaha

patient: why’re you laughing

me: did it help?

patient: no

me: [crossing out notes] not the best medicine

The secret to a long life is not dying early