As far as I'm concerned, the only legal definition of a woman should be: When Shania Twain says, "let's go girls", do you go? If so, girl.

noooo my eggs :( they were all in that basket

I didn’t text my tweets to 40404 from the club to be spoken to this way in my own damn house

New slang just dropped: “p my p” means p**p my p*nts

Laid on top of my bed and when my dog joined me I said “That’s right. This is where the cuddle buddies go to cuddle.”

Lost my job so the #paypigs really need to step it up.

i feel so bad when i overtake an old person on the sidewalk like man i really didn't mean to flex on you with my youthful stride

Dua unto Lipa as you would have Lipa Dua unto you

up early to warn the worms

Thinking about the time my ex’s mom asked me if there was a way to get rid of my freckles

Can’t believe my dog doesn’t know who Kelly Clarkson is

Diddy. Skibidi. Labubu. If you aren’t learning scat singing by now, you will be unable to communicate with your child within 2-3 years

Just said “you poo” instead of “you too” when my dental office told me to have a nice day :)

Hey Alex Goldman when is part 2 ??? I’m getting desperate!!!!

"thank you for choosing amtrak" no problem there are no other trains

the real test would be reverse bachelor and bachelorette parties - bride has to hang out with groom's friends for a weekend, groom has to hang out with bride's friends for a weekend. if the vibes are bad the wedding's off

I don’t like the little microphones anymore I want big mics back

It’s finally the time of year where I brag to my dog that I have “preheated the couch” with my electric blanket 🥰