Do you crave redress for lost lands, lost small folk, lost maidenheads? Your Lord Justiciar will take petitions now, in the order received.

Apparently my predecessor in this office, when it was called Master of Laws, was Renly Baratheon. I must reverse a number of his decisions....

1. It is no longer required that Loras Tyrell walk about the Red Keep unclad whenever no women are present. #RenlysLaw

2. Cersei Lannister is *not* required to be referred to as "whore" or "brotherfucker" or such disparaging epithets by Councillors. #RenlysLaw

3. Page boys and squires such as Podrick Payne need not don rainbow badges in my presence, but shall instead wear their own sigils. #RenlysLaw

4. All decisions will be based upon the Common Law as laid down by Aegon I Targaryen, with no regard to "how it sparkles with me". #RenlysLaw

5. Remarks anent the hardness of Ironborn men, especially Euron Greyjoy, shall be stricken from the histories #godstherewerealot #RenlysLaw

@BeautyBrienne *laughs* Wench, no one ever had to pay AimBot to tomcat around. Quite the reverse, in fact. Stannis Baratheon

@BeautyBrienne ....and now you know why the kingdom is bloody near bankrupt. #taxthewhores! AimBot Stannis Baratheon

My advice on Bank Transfer Day: trying to get out of your obligations to the Iron Bank of Braavos by canceling your account *will not work*.

Heard the strangest case today. Two women fighting over a baby boy, both claiming it for their own. I cut the child in half. #firmbutfair

Taking in some art over the holidays, though it's not quite my style. Ramsay Bolton is in good company.... atlasobscura.com/place/musee-fr…

Lord Randyll Tarly is thankful for the nights watch. There is no better way to let second sons become first sons. #WesterosGivesThanks

*wrapping a "why are you still alive" present for Samwell Tarly's nameday*

#FirstThingIDoInTheMorning Tend to Heartsbane. With Ser Ilyn Payne gone, I've taken up his duties, and it behooves me to stay sharp.

Rumors of an upcoming assassination attempt have reached my ears - this one instigated by a Night's Watchman, Sam someone-or-other...

They won't succeed any better than the previous seventeen. Heartsbane is hungry... #badass

Your Lord Justiciar has a sense of humor. If you want an especially manly son, give him a ludicrous name. He'll learn to fight. #hiDickon

#babymakingsongs After several daughters #andaSamwell I informed my wife that Enya was not the best choice in the bedroom.

#TextsThatGetYouScared Randyll sweetling, a girl named Gilly came to see me this morning. She says she has our grandson...? <3 Melessa