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I called my parents and said I'm trans and they were like "what does that mean" and I told them and they were normal but the funny one is apparently they told my redneck camo m4ga hat newfie uncle and his response was "well she always was very sweet for a boy"

Almost time to move from the electrical outlet next to my couch to the electrical outlet next to my bed

You know what bugs me? Everything

You wouldn’t like me. I do things like love all your personalities, and take the trash out to the curb the night before.

Me watching Gilmore Girls the first time: I want to be like Rory And Lorelai. Me watching Gilmore girls now: My god these women are insufferable.

It's wrong to be upset about my armchair destroyed by dogs when the world is burning, but I don't choose my feelings, ok

Me: my daughter gets cuter & cuter every day, I just can’t with her, I want to eat her cheeks, does this just continue forever??? My mom: no

One day you're young and have fun plans, the next you're excited to buy a new lamp over the weekend

every other week or so my husband bakes a loaf of fresh bread which we then eat with burrata and roasted carrots. we call it “peasant dinner” and it is very important to us

I got called a “Churro” today and I’m still trying to figure out how to take it.

How dare you tell me the truth instead of what I want to hear

You are not obligated to post a video of yourself dancing.

Love how these jobs are like: "Entry level position. Must have 5 years of experience."

My 11 year old just pointed at me and asked my wife “why does he get to stay up?!”

How can I be expected to get out of bed when I don’t want to?

How I can go from so happy to really depressed is ruining my days.

One of the toughest jobs in parenting is serving the inevitable eviction notice on your kid's pillow fort.

My toxic trait is getting excited every time a new dollar general opens so I can save an extra 55 yards on the drive to one.

my wife doesn’t remember anyone’s birthday. is the worst gift giver. hates cleaning and doing laundry. forgets stuff constantly. should I start making tiktoks everyday to embarrass her or choose to focus on all the amazing qualities she has instead?

Tonight's texts from my 9yo