a marriage is always most fragile in the first year, when one partner admits to having murdered his glamorous first wife and the other partner turns back into a selkie and disappears into the sea.

an app that matches you with all the other people in your town who are currently trapped at loud parties, so that you can escape together and enjoy a quiet night in sharing tea and small cakes.

"DARling, did you forGET to inVITE your MOTHER????"-- me in this extremely normal mother-of-the-bride dress, slamming into my daughter's wedding mid-Mendelssohn while a lightning storm rages outside. the guests gasp in terror

If one of you wants to buy me this dress I will wear it to your wedding and play the villainous and possibly magical mother you want your fiancé to fear and avoid from then on.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over] Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok? Him: ya that's fine! *I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats "alright alright alright alright" starts to play on a loop* Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

“Where you from?” “Texas” “Oh where in texas?” “Colleyville” “Huh?” “Near grapevine and southlake” “Where?” “Dallas. Im from dallas. I bleed wataburger ketchup. Ive fist-fought everyone from oklahoma. I was born on a rodeo and my mom is a horse.”

Can I please get an online recipe without having to read the person’s whole life story and why they started cooking chicken thighs in an instant pot?

today’s realisation that replacing all my dead houseplants with realistic fakes to convince my friends i’ve got it together is just an expensive way of saying “i’m fine”

nobody: stick in the park: 6 y/o me: I will take it home

My octopus can beat up your octopus. *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* *octopus flicks cig* "Lets do this."

me: [getting pulled over] this is obviously a misunderstanding cop: you slapped a cyclist off his bike with a pool noodle

i am snuggling with my stuffed fren sebastian. and the human is snuggling with me. according to the transitive property of snugs. the human is also snuggling sebastian

if someone could hold me for a bit. that’d be nice

Took my dogs to take their yearly christmas photos. It’s really hard when you have one super photogenic dog and one dog having an existential crisis.