TV: An airline crash today was determined to be faulty repair related. Inspectors report the wings were produced in the 80's and gifted to the repair shop. *Mr Mister breaks into a cold sweat*

I'm swimming into a whale's mouth (i have license to krill)

i feel like the best old timey saying thats never used anymore is "the word and the teet go hand in hand". it should make a comeback.

Captain America: Brave New World (2025) - An angry sunburned man attacks a cosplayer boy and jails his dad.

I hate it when I stab my fork in a salad and get nothing. The people who ordered the salad were also pissed.

Sometimes I just wanna find a quiet place to fart into a Walmart intercom.

(at a wnba game) Hermione: Harry I think I sat on gum, can u check? Harry: Yeah I got it. "Expelliarmus"

"Bob is coming over for dinner." Bob from work or Bob the erectile dysfunctional nudist? *there's a soft knock at the front door*

"One headlight" is: - a song - a problem my car has - and the nickname of a guy who lost a nipple to a dog attack when he was 12.

I asked my Gen Z apprentice where their spellbook was, and they unironically showed me that they keep all their spells listed in the notes app on their phone. This new generation of wizards is cooked man.

Your password has expired. Your new password must include: -a number -a letter -a recipe for mexican street corn -and lyrics from a dope Dr Dre song

no, YOU were just caught in the gym showers spinning like Wonder Woman and peeing as hard as you can.

The opposite of an assassin is a dickdickout.

🎤Can't nobody tell me nothin'🎶

Possible Fact: The original title of the 5th Harry Potter book was The Order of the Phoenix Buffalo Wings.

a bad pancake attitude and two pockets full of syrup.

If you watch any Superbowl play backwards, it's about men passing around a football and then sliding it into the Center's butt.

My favorite X-men villain is Slurry. He can force any of his opponents to experience the effects of a laxative.

for medical purposes i will now be wearing a medical alert bracelet that reads "spicy non-store brand chips only"

Cop 1: Looks like the victim fought back and lost. Cop 2: There's blood all over him but it looks sus. Fashion Cop: Yeah, that shade is all wrong for his outfit.