Don't you fucking worry about how many Pop Tarts I've eaten.

How am I expected to make adult decisions when I still can't sleep with my feet outside the covers because monsters will get them...

look, i can either be funny or mentally stable. you can’t have both.

A party bus.... but it only stops at Mexican food restaurants.

'Why are you laughing?'

Me: Nothing.

My brain:

Don't fall in love with me or anything...but I can make mac and cheese without reading the directions on the back of the box.

She was beautiful, silent, and mysterious…like the d in Bundt cake.

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

A recent poll showed that 70% of the population is stupid.

Thank god I'm with the other 40%.

Of course, I wear a fanny pack. Where else am I going to keep my travel potato salad?

I don't know why I got left on read 😒

Shout out to the two molecules of serotonin dragging me through life

Me on my never ending quest of finding jokes for you ungrateful degenerates.

I’ll eat a hotdog at 7am I don’t give a fuck

𝕁. my daughter just said this

I am socially vegan, I avoid meet

gardening puns are so sexy,
they make me thorny

tired of sweet potatoes. i want angry potatoes

The alpacalypse has begun. Paca your bags.

I don't know how the hell I woke up in a clown costume this morning. I must have slept funny.