Daughter: dinner was so good tonight mom! Me: thanks honey! Daughter: we learned in school today that it’s ok to lie sometimes so you don’t hurt feelings

Who called it screaming into the abyss and not void rage

Me: “Do you need a tissue?” My son: “No, it’s the picking kind of boogers”

"Why do today what I can put off until someone else eventually does it?" -My kids, probably. And probably my husband, too.

I hope the new Pope sees all the dope memes and tweets we’re making for him.

My neighbors and their dumb fireworks would like to wish everyone a Happy Diez de Mayo, I guess.

When my wife asks what took so long to get take-out, instead of admitting I had 3 beers I just say I was behind a grandma at the salsa bar.

Sitting in the parking lot, listening to Enter Sandman and sniffin smelling salts to pump myself up before going in to the all you can eat buffet.

If the early birds get the worm, why are they so loud at 4am? Their mouths should be full.

Accidentally stuck my fingers in the butter this morning. I am the living embodiment of butterfingers.

If it’s raining and someone doesn’t say “It’s a good day to take a nap.” Is it really raining?

Listen, just play the music I like and nobody gets hurt

It’s National Apple Pie Day. Yes please and thanks.

Victor Hugo explaining the whole Paris sewer system before getting to the recipe

Me: I'm not old. Also me: *turns music to easy listening station because the current hits station is too loud and I don't understand what they're saying*

I don’t want to brag but my teen texts me I love you. It’s after I send Apple Cash but still.

Why do people thank drivers for letting them walk at a stop sign? They should be thanking me for watching my ass walk by.

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