You say it's the morning alarm. I call it a rude awakening.

A lot of parenting is just asking yourself, “Was I this much of a little shit when I was a kid?”

In my defense your honour dude took four loud bites to finish each pringle

real soupheads were born with a soup spoon in their mouth CRADLE TO LADLE baby!

My grandpa sent me a picture of our family crest and it was just a full page ad for Lexapro

Forbidden flirting: Let me put my cast iron skillet in your dishwasher

Ohio isn’t real anyway, calm down.

In your face, I see history. I see your ancestors. I see their beautiful legacy.

[Town council meeting] “Yay” to tear down to glue factory or “nay” to keep it Horse in a panic: neigh…goddamnit!

she’s an angel with gentle hands caressing my soul

i may be mentally unstable but at least my laugh is adorable.

I have a head cold which means the dog is being a weirdo and trying to eat my snot tissues 🤢

The most badass piece of graffiti I ever saw said “Fuck Airbnb”

There are two quantities of popcorn: not enough and what have I done

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK” I never know, just tell me

Imagine sleeping with a voice actor and then you suddenly hear a minion telling you to choke her

• BRUNCH/BREAKFAST TWEET CALL • Send us MAX 3 tweets about BRUNCH OR BREAKFAST. Likes/Retweets/Etc. Winners will be 🏆’d later. Ends at 6PM EST. ✨ Judges and tweets below: nice things I say to myself La Femme Fatali Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 .:RiotGrlErin:.

MOM! MOM! MOMMMMY! DID YOU HEAR HOW QUIET I WAS BEING?