ok ok just had a talk with my bf where I was like "sometimes I get so excited while reading my eyes.. skip over entire paragraphs? n then I have to like force myself to stop reading and go back to read the parts I missed" n he was like "NO ONE DOES THAT" pls tell me I'm not alone

I'm hoping this gives us some new time based slang. I'm just going away for a Kwasi in the Lake District. Was hoping for a Suella abroad but I'm waiting to sell my house and it's going to be a another Truss. Just 2 more Chief whips till Christmas though

You may recall the Criminal Barristers were out on strike… I don’t recall any nastiness from Government & RW media … the good old Barristers settled their dispute and called off the strike action. They got a 15% pay deal. They got a 15% pay deal…. Retweet please

@LessThanDaniyal Fuck You I Quit Amazon.co.uk Amazon.co.uk I'm having a problem subscribing to Prime.

There's no point making mash if you're not going to put real butter in it.

A frankly terrible start to the year

Mini rant: stop reporting pledges as if they’re policies. ‘Halve inflation’ is not what he’s proposing, it’s the hoped-for effect of whatever he’s proposing. Tell us what he’s actually going to do. This is so basic, it’s not even about journalistic bias - it’s just being crap.

This explanation is more urgently needed in schools than trying to teach the kids who aren't interested quadratic equations

Irony is dead.

Police: you were in a very bad accident. Your phone is smashed. Can we ring anyone? Your family, friends, a partner? Me: I don't know any of their numbers Police: how about Live and Kicking, which went off air in 2001? Me: oh one eight one, eight one one, eight one eight one.

....lying naked on the floor

Thousands of adults identified as Jedis in the last census. I would’ve thought kids in temporary accommodation, on CAHMS waiting lists or struggling to get ASN support in classrooms might’ve been a better use of a front page. If this is what you’re worried about try some yoga

People still call our streaming service 4OD so good luck

I work for the civil service, we're all underpaid, we all have some extremely important aspect of society in our control, every department is one nervous breakdown from going under and life would be dystopia without us, you fuckers have no idea.

FREE BOOKS: I have a dozen proof copies of A Beginner's Guide To Breaking And Entering to give away! Just RT this tweet before Friday 12th April at 12 noon, when I will pick not one, not two, but TWELVE winners to receive their free signed and dedicated copy!

There is only one leader who has successfully nailed the “wet jacket in a time of critical national importance” look…

Is there a way of putting a bet on how long Keir Starmer can avoid getting soaked in the rain? Longer than the shelf life of a lettuce, but can he stay dry longer than Rishi was PM? Can his personal resilience and the combined forces of the civil service and the met do it?