no hard feelings? all my feelings are hard

If I don’t come up with some conspiracy and brainwash a couple of million, I’d be very disappointed in myself.

Ya. Things have certainly changed, but hose water still tastes the same. So we still have that.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

“Cleaning sure makes you dirty.” I laugh at my little joke and continue dousing the bathroom with arsenate of lead.

I read a post about it being open window season up north and it made me so sad because we’re starting our closed window season 😢

I’m at the age now that a friend with benefits means that special someone that can drive at night.

Suddenly there's a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

My kid was sent home from school with a cough and she said she was so embarrassed so I told her when I was a kid they’d come in and check your head for lice in front of the whole class and they sent me home and nothing beats the 80s baby.

I sat next to two ladies and asked what they thought about the Kate Middleton disappearance conspiracy, and one of them (attorney) said, “I really don’t have time to keep up with nonsense like that.” Cool, so you’re boring as fuck and I should’ve sat somewhere else. Got it. 🤤

Starting to think that in order to achieve my goals I’m going to have to work hard and stay consistent, what the actual fuck, ugh.

Me: *staring off in the distance*

Her: Aw, what’re you thinking about

Me: *wondering if I could mount a Tshirt cannon to my shoulder like Predator* Just you babe

Sometimes when I fall asleep on my couch my cat will move the curtains and sun falls directly in my face waking me up and I can’t prove it but I know she does it on purpose

One of the biggest challenges in the workplace is trying not to eat your lunch before 10 am

*45 seconds after meeting someone*

So, you think they faked the moon landing or nah?

My mom never had to worry about me in high school, because I was never invited to parties. I was “too obnoxious.”

yes i’m actually eating a pear i can’t believe it either

If there’s someone I need to talk to, but I don’t know how to get ahold of them, I just think about them for a minute and then go out in public looking like absolute dog shit, and they’ll show up. Every time.