not gonna lie boys. i am not in the Auto Zone right now

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

going to TJ Maxx. does anyone need any new clothes and/or gourmet pasta shells?

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop

Ok that’s enough funky music, white boy.

cop: what’s this? *holding up a small baggie*
me: little sandwich.
cop: *narrows eyes*what kind of little sandwich?
me: *lowers head* little crack sandwich

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*

*John Lennon voice* Imagine there’s no dragons

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

AMAZING weather today. kind of want to pull a wagon around with all my favorite stuff in it. Absolutely supreme out there. Unbeatable.

Dad: did i say your screen time was over?
son: no sir. *picks tablet back up*

I’m at the missing social cues. I’m at the overthinking about what you said. I’m at the combination missing social cues and overthinking about what you said.

on my work breaks i like to wander around my house like it’s Mario 64 and im in between stressful levels.

to celebrate the eclipse i will be getting in the way.

Mothman: *appears*
me who is wearing a cotton t-shirt: oh no.

moon: stepping in front of the sun to get attention

everyone: wow it’s so cool when the sun is like that

imagine your doctors office mailing you a refrigerator magnet that says you have a balance due