Watching Tombstone

Husband: everyone knows during a gun fight god reloads for you

“I'm worth it' I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

“You have to leave the house if you want to have something to tweet about today,” is the pep talk I’m giving myself this morning.

me: going to the bookstore just to look

also me: not buying these books would be financially irresponsible

A dry wedding is just like a regular wedding but with no reason to be there

The biggest lie 90s dudes told was that there was something in that wallet that made it worth chaining up

You know you're getting old when you find yourself genuinely thrilled about your favorite dish sponge coming in a few new colors.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

When your 8 year old gets in trouble at school for spelling curse words with scrabble tiles in school, it’s not appropriate to say “well, that’s fucking hilarious.” I know this now.

my kid announced she is writing her New York Times bestseller “Dumb Ways to Swing.”

Got a kit for folks to have fun with and make bracelets today at the coworking space. What's the funniest word or phrase I can use on mine? I will abide by the results of this informal poll.

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Camel Tow

Trader Joe’s cashier: so any plans for your birthday

me: *gestures at cart full of wine and cheese*

Met someone the other day who said their favorite color was yellow. What a psycho

Me and who trojan horsing our way into this home goods

my kid announced she is writing her New York Times bestseller “Dumb Ways to Swing.”

the guy at the pet shop warned me not to get him wet

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

When your 8 year old gets in trouble at school for spelling curse words with scrabble tiles in school, it’s not appropriate to say “well, that’s fucking hilarious.” I know this now.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet