What I miss more than anything is a time when people could disagree and still love one another.

sorry i’m cranky. i haven’t slept well for the last 27 years

if I know you and we see each other in a restaurant, wave, say hi but stay at your own table.

They banned plastic straws before assault rifles.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Does anyone else not believe the weather anymore? It’s cloudy, but, as the weather app says it’s not going to rain, I’m going to put the washing out. Ohh.. but it looks rainy. Waits 5 mins to see if it rains or not. It doesn’t so put it out. The app said it wouldn’t. * RAINS *

Priests have a different personality when they're not saying mass, because in the church they're using their altar ego ...and send

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

My favorite pastime is watching a movie based on a book I read and then loudly critiquing said movie until everyone gets mad and leaves

My dr said that doing laundry for the family doesn’t count as exercise, clearly she has no idea how much clothing my kids go through

I don’t know who needs to hear this but your house is clean enough. Take a break.

Look Ma, no handle on things

new password must contain one uppercase letter, one lowercase letter, eye of newt, a phoenix feather, one special character and the root of a hemlock

Someone told me I needed to add a little excitement to my life, so I bought a new flavoured cream for my coffee, let me tell you, I’m turning this muthafuckin party out

I feel seen. I don't like it.

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

It’s Friday night, get yourself to bed before your other half so you can make sure that you’re taking up just a bit more room than you should and be too fast asleep to move over. You deserve it.

My 6yo just asked something my simple mind never once thought of in almost 4 decades on this earth. What happens to the animals if a tornado plows through the zoo?

I miss light brown M&M’s