My inquiring mind wants to know.

wanna go get tacos, kill a tub of ice cream and then feel badly about ourselves later?

If I’m already late to work, you better believe I’m coming in late with some fast food in hand as well

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s like recess except we all have gray hair.

Welcome to Twitter, making sense is optional.

dating is so hard these days.

“aren’t you married?”

exactly.

The “F” in “OMFG” is for “fictional”

We're gonna need a bigger thing finder

Just consider work to be an 8 hour escape room that pays you!

I run in the door, crying. “They only wanted me for my tent and liberal arts education.”

Bug: sometimes I feel like I can’t be fixed

Therapist, who is also a computer programmer: I think I can help

Welcome to 40...that jar opener at the store is looking more and more tempting.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

come on man i used to drive an 18-wheeler too

Me: doc, I’m getting sicker

Dr. Mario: just keep organizing pills

Am I petty?

In 2019 someone commented “not funny” under my tweet

I’ve catfished him for 5 years. Made him fall in love with me

He’s meeting me at a restaurant for the first time tonight (I won’t be there)

The waiter will give him a note that’s just my tweet he commented on

[First date]

Me: I'm gonna need to hear how you think the word 'loser' is spelled.

I'm in this weird place where I'm too young to die but too old for spontaneous bowling

Subtle as slow rot, objectivity creeps in. Bury a nugget of romance in the backyard and hope for a wild outburst someday.