[Creating Man]

God: “MAKE THE INSIDE OF THEIR NOSES HAIRY”

Angel: “Hairy? Why?”

God: “TO CATCH THE SNOT”

Angel: “Snot?”

Always buy a second birthday cake, just in case you have guests

Real talk: bananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabananabanana

I went from rags to one rag.

I missed the game but I gained an afternoon.

[2000 BCE, Indus Valley]

Inventor: “They’re called “buttons” and they’re great for fastening clothes, but we just gotta remember that all women are left handed”

Science update: accidentally finished science

You say I 'couldn't be more wrong' but I'm just getting started

Once you experience “sonder”, that profound realisation that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as your own, which they are constantly living despite your personal lack of awareness of it, you realise that NOW is the perfect time to attack

A lot of people get bullied and trolled through no fault of their own, but not me

Call me paranoid, but do you ever get the feeling nobody is following you?

(deep in prayer)

“Cake? Did you say ‘get cake’, God?”

I didn’t get where I am today by following clear and simple instructions

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

Are you sure there’s no police in sight?

Cop on the streets, KKK in the sheets

I don't usually pick sides, but I'll have the green beans.

Gaza stands with us. We stand with Gaza. We’re not gonna give in.

My last tweet has already got people talking: “You hold his arms”, and, “The phone dammit get the phone”, they’re saying

Please ignore this man. I’ve spent 15 years becoming an overnight success by posting stupidity