I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

I make up songs in my head about my coworkers when I’m bored.

Some of those right wing influencer posts were the crême de la Kremlin.

I’m in a bad mood and watching my husband load the dishwasher incorrectly. What could go wrong

My blood test came back positive. It's 100% coffee.

Twitter locked my account bc I didn’t want to call someone the r word

Dollar General has a new Halloween Cardboard Maze! Bring the whole family!

Big decision to make? You must seek The Five Dentists.

*presses PRINT* *long pause* *a bit of printing activity* *long pause* *a bit more printing activity* *long pause* *wishes I hadn't named this thing 'Harold Printer'*

Never pre purchase for a hobby that you think you’re into - it’s just a phase. Unless that hobby is men’s lacrosse and you’re a XL. Anyway, crazy coincidence…

Did you know, that because of budget problems, the movie Total Recall had to be filmed almost exclusively on Earth instead of Mars?

Every flag creator ever: So, you know how our nation is the only one blessed with stars?

*Googles his and hers adhd diagnoses

I really need this pin to be ear-shaped.

🎶If there's something strange In your neighborhood Who you gonna call?🎶 Me: can’t I just text them?

When I'm stressed I try to understand how dual object tracking radars work. I think it's a co-ping mechanism.

who needs candy when you can get a covid test for halloween

I’m so lucky that nobody ever wants me to drive on road trips. Or ever.

your 20s: Smoke show your 40s: Smoked sausage show

🏆THURSDAY CONTEST 🏆 This week's theme: FRIGHT Give us up to 3 🎃👻🕷️NEW⚰️🦇🏚️ (written today) tweets about Friday the 13th, Halloween, spooky season, David S Pumpkins, and horror! We're so ready 👹 Open to all size accounts. Tell your friends! Get a trophy! Ends 10pm EDT