Very impressed with the local police service. I called for help because I found that bloke from Luther outside my house, struggling to cover his own head in gift paper, and they immediately sent out the Wrap Idris Bonce Unit.

Tony Hadley and Simon Le Bon have been digging up the road outside ours again with their pneuromatic drills.

I'm running a Beatles pun contest, and I'm getting Paul McCartney to heyjudicate.

I saw an Irish dancing show today called 'Streamdance'. It's not quite as good as 'Riverdance', but then it is only a tributary act.

Paul Eggleston Life's too short / To shoot rifles / So Lo, I set forth / Sore of this Lot / I'l rest, forsooth.

I was trying to think of an anagram of 'foolish otters', but then I thought... life's too short.

My dog makes a living as a French Tommy Cooper impersonator, and I have to say he's a 'comme ça' mutt professional.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

My favourite song about threesomes is ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’.

Of course this is just 4 characters, but still it's comedy gold...

Of course this is just 4 characters, but still it's comedy gold...

[Spelling Bee]
- Your word is 'leniency'
- Can you use it in a sentence?
- Sure! ... *gets law degree* ... *works in law* ... *becomes judge* ... *fines robber £1*

Baloo: Can you help me find Charlton Heston's inflatable sofas?
Mowgli: Sure, what do you need me to do?
Baloo: Look for the Ben Hur's air settees.

Baloo: Can you help me find Charlton Heston's inflatable sofas?
Mowgli: Sure, what do you need me to do?
Baloo: Look for the Ben Hur's air settees.

#NewProfilePic

Just saw The Omen backwards, and ended up Finding Nemo.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is opening an Italian themed branch of a popular UK restaurant. Pasta Harvester, Baby!

I fell out with my local builders merchant when they overcharged me for the cement I needed for a job repointing the brickwork at the base of a viaduct. But that's all mortar under the bridge now.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is opening an Italian themed branch of a popular UK restaurant. Pasta Harvester, Baby!