I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t get excited when they see something that glows in the dark.

this is the funniest community note i’ve ever seen. 😭

Harry Potter is sort of crazy. I would have never fought a war for my high school

your 20s are for figuring out what's the max number of times you can hit rock bottom in a calendar year

I talk a lot of shit for someone who ducks anytime I drive my car into a parking garage

The anxious urge to say “No Worries” while I’m actively riddled with worries

They get us addicted to their poison (Taco Bell) so that they can sell us the cure (Taco Bell)

If you ask me, a worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early.

Not my raccoon, not my trash can

For International Women’s Day I’m going to celebrate by hitting every curb I see.

hootin is a gateway drug to hollerin

the duolingo owl skips leg day

you should be allowed to speed if good music is playing

Most people don’t know that the D in Franklin D. Roosevelt stands for Doritos.

You look like the kind of person whose recorded calls have been used for training purposes

well well well, if it isn't the bridge i said i d cross when i came to it

Let me regulate my nervous system and i’ll get back to u