A woman is only a mystery to a man that is not paying attention.

I'm thinking of replacing my uterus with a gum ball machine.

"You have beautiful big brown eyes! They look like meatballs." -me, flirting

I'm coming for you, seemingly unobtainable personal goal.

If Ann has 10 apples and Joe has 15 oranges, is it possible they’re trying to make extra cash at lunchtime by selling fruit in the car park?

Robocop: part man, part machine - ALL COP Me: part ‘man’, part blancmange - ALL EXHAUSTED

pretending that everything’s okay is exhausting

I lay in the wreckage, deeply regretting my daily apple. The doctors stand in a ring, unable to come any closer.

Yearly reminder of How To Nail A Job Interview.

if you look into that girls eyes for long enough you will see empty porch swings, burning nebulas and ancient abandoned cities

Stop embarrassing yourself in public. I thought we agreed that I do it better.

Welcome to your 40s. Add 'gravity' to your list of enemies.

"It's Valentine's Day! What outfit tonight?? Yay, so pretty!! OMG Sweetie, I'm so excited for you!! Anyhoo, here's your period" - My Uterus

Twitter is great but have you tried shouting on the bus?

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 13 muscles to smile while secretly dying inside.