sticks and stones will break my bones. and also hammers. a tumble down the stairs. a bus. i have a lot of weaknesses

Make yourself a list of things you need to do, then throw that shit away.

Imagine falling in love and then finding out they're mean to strangers on the internet.

The good news is I think I finally found my calling but the bad news is I’m not sure there’s a market for professional nacho layer inspector

Do fancy owls say 'whom'

[Chaperoning a 4th grade field trip]

Child 1: I can speak 3 languages!
Me: 🙂
Child 2: My dad had a really rough childhood!
Me: 😟
Child 3: My favorite NBA team is the Pacers!
Me: 🙂
Child 4: Why does your hair look like that!?
Me: 😟

*takes long drag from cigarette* i can tell you how to get to sesame street

Chicago doesn't play when it comes to the condiments it puts on hotdogs.

'I'll let you know' - me about to disappear for 10 years

someone should stop me from plant shopping immediately

Touching grass is amateur hour. Hurl yourself into an open grave of your own digging

reading stuff on political twitter as an outsider... you people have no idea how stupid and insane you sound.

She was beautiful, silent, and mysterious…like the d in Bundt cake.

I’m bad at compliments but your shoes match your hair and I like it.

My friend Greg refrigerates his peanut butter, I think about that a lot.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

I’m glad I learned about the pythagorean theorem instead of taxes in school. It’s really come in handy this pythagorean theorem season

My good vacuum died. Now everything sucks. Well, except my vacuum.

I don't know about you guys but I don't have any more passwords left in me

Women, have you bought clothing with fake pockets? You might be entitled to compensation