Send bacon. 🥓

look if you see me walking around with a bucket of fried chicken this morning, just look the other way.

I seem to have misplaced my ambition and drive.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

$100 bills are the new $20 bill. People need to stop being so weird about them.

You’re a curious mindfuck.

Great. Twitter is unfollowing people I want to be following and following people I don’t want to be following. Loving this

be yourself
see what happens

There will never be another Anthony Bourdain

Ruin a toddler’s day today by giving them exactly what they’ve asked for

If I were running the country right now, I’d probably just throw the remote at the wall.

I didn't sleep well so I will have extra coffee today and not sleep well tonight either.

The vicious cycle

Just made a mixed drink called vodka

The NBA should have jeans night. I wanna see how good they play in jeans

What do you call an alien with three balls? An extrateresticle.

Don't get up. I'll show myself out.

Society: operates
Me: thine systems provoke me

I know it’s small potatoes with everything else, but I’m still really pissed I’m now watching 15 ads per hour on Amazon prime? Why am I paying the same for something worse?? Why is everything just worse, always?

God: no one will ever have to clean if we make space a vacuum

Angel: lol what

Nachos fix everything