The voice actor of 'Ike' from South Park is hilarious

Me with my “personal item” trying to get through TSA:

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

a very small influencer married into a billionaire family and i am absolutely dying over her demanding this insta handle

Where does a mansplainer get water? From a well, actually...

the zoomies r the most enviable feature of the dog mind. If u have extra energy at the end of the day your brain enters party mode, you have the most fun ever running around, and then fall right to sleep

“but it’s so beautiful outside!” ah but you see. it is also so beautiful inside

You don't scare me, you're not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

hey can you come over i don’t have enough enrichment in my enclosure

the way I believe my therapist and I would be friends under different circumstances is probably how men feel when they think their hooters waitress is into them

When someone else is taking a while in self checkout: They have no clue what they're doing. I, on the other hand, am a self checkout prodigy. A genius, people claim.

When I'm taking a while in self checkout: This is a scenario that could not be avoided by even the wisest prophet

Wednesday Addams if she went to Wharton business school

spring pros: pretty much everything

spring cons: becoming harder to enjoy soup

If I was a confessional songwriter like Taylor Swift, my diss tracks would have titles like “Did You Really Play Pickleball with My Nemesis?” and “My Dining Room is Not Your Dumping Ground.”

Someone dressed their llama up as a groomsmen in their wedding and why am I obsessed with this? 😂💀

I saw the words “vintage Wet Seal” on TikTok the other day and it has shaken me to my core

original founder of the tortured poets department

hangovers are so embarrassing. oweee i’m so sick from poisoning myself for fun

Love to make bargains with my anxiety like bro, send that email and I'll let you take a nap