me: [doing push ups this morning] 9: what's that sound? me: it's my elbows stfu go away

My son has so many stuffed toys on his bed, he only has about a third clear to sleep on. Basically, he's prepared for marriage already

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED. Me: Who cares? I'm on a conference call. No one can see. Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

I can remember phone numbers

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Them: Don't let someone live rent-free in your head. Me: They're right. *sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Me: I don't know how this day could get any worse. Daughter [staring at the back of my head]: How do you have two bald spots?

That's my Monday after work emotional support baguette

I wouldn’t give these kids the iPad earlier and a few minutes earlier I could hear them whispering “hey siri unlock the iPad” and “hey siri show us the code.”

*visibly frustrated 2yo, makes a throwing motion towards me with her arm* Me: uh what was that? 2: I throw tantrum!

I’m attaching my smart watch to my foot so I’ll get steps every time I step on the gas pedal

9 got pissed at me this morning for laughing too much. Which proves kids fckin hate it when you're happy.

Shout out to the mom who is planning an "Elsa - Minion - Spider - Kitty Cat - Wrecking Ball" themed birthday party for her 3yo.

I’m powering through today’s to-list by adding everything to tomorrow’s to-do list.

My 6yo just announced that his school invented something called Taco Tuesday and I hate to break it to him

Went to a kid’s birthday party where they gave away slime and glitter glue. So I’m signing up the parents as volunteers for every school event

Can’t, I have to stand around in the aisle of a store looking confused hoping an employee will stop to assist me because I’m too scared to ask for help

I'm not saying I need more sleep, I'm just saying I tried to open the front door of the house by pointing my car key fob at it

me: when I was a kid, we had to get up off the couch to change the channel. my 9yo: you can still do that if you want to.

Hanging out with your friends who work in healthcare and somebody will be like then the patient’s jim jam went weeba wubba and everyone else will be like OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIOXNFVSGAYWIFKGDV