His voice telling me he loves me, well that’s just everything.

A robust 401k retirement account but it’s just a kitchen drawer packed full of hot sauce packets

Me: Whatever God’s plan is, I wish it would skip to the end already. *gets struck by lightning* Me (in hell): *laughing* That fucker.

Just because you don’t want me, doesn’t mean I’m not yours. Elon Musk’s bodyguard: Ma’am, don’t make me taser you again.

Hey boy, hey. Do you think you can use some of that big dick energy to open this jar of pickles?

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Can’t, I’m busy being grateful and shit.

Seeing you makes my ovaries ache. ~Me flirting

I’m just a soulless Ginger, standing in front of a refrigerator, asking it to love me.

I gave a good friend some dating advice tonight but now I’m second guessing it... 3rd date is anal, right?

I’m pretty sure the Steak Fajita bowl I had at lunch was my soulmate... it was delicious.

Confession: I’ve never owned any Kohl’s Cash. I’m not even sure I’ve been inside a Kohl’s. Don’t @ me.

Nobody ever lo and beholds anymore.

My daughter just looked at me and said, subtlety should never be spelled out with highlighter and glitter...

My bags are packed, my BFF is standing by with bail money... I’m ready to get this weekend started!

Fuck your zodiac sign... What's your favorite donut?

The only thing filtered about her is her AVI.

I haven’t had sex in a while, but I’m pretty sure that being passed TP under the bathroom stall counts as 3rd base.

Wishing a very Happy Birthday to the wonderful gⓗⓓ ♥️ She’s much more than just a great account. Her vibes create a melody you can’t help but dance to. Take some time to show her some much deserved love 👇🏼 x.com/search?q=from%…