And here’s one of me. It’s funny how the older I get, the harder it gets to go to the places I’ve been a million times.

Happy Holidays 🎄NewProfilePic

Christmas in the city. 🌲

Clocked in today and took another bronze. 😊

It’s pretty much the only day of the year I get to dress like this, so I thought I’d commemorate it lol. ❄️

My hatch chili brisket queso won third place at the Chips and Queso Fest today. I’m proud lol

As is tradition, I will retweet all your selfies on your birthday, but this is and always will be my favorite . I love the moody vibes. Love you, A♥️♥️♥️

I overheard my kids talking about how sad I’ve been. Worst feeling ever. Maybe this can be my turning point. Goodnight to the old me.

Happy Birthday to the beautiful, intelligent, and hilarious @Gingerhotdish. I love her so much, she is the absolute best. Have the best day ever, C. LOVE YOU.

No place smells of lust and wasted dreams like the Panda Express parking lot.

“I want a love like Sid and Nancy.” I think you seriously need to reconsider that but okay.

“I want a love like Kermit and Miss Piggy.” Bro, she beat the shit out of him daily.

I have a lot of friends, but my best friend might be the guy I’m sitting next to that just talked me out of going to Vegas and trying my new roulette strategy.

I have some new pillows in my life that are helping me heal emotionally, so I guess I’m doing alright.

I don't care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Teacher: Your daughter skips instead of walking sometimes. Me: Yes she does it when she's happy. T: Can you get her to stop? M: No.

And so we fled the scene. Your red hair blowing in the wind, my fingers singed with ash.

Don't worry about me. I'm a softie. The redhead behind me, though? Yeah... she'll fuck you up.

Oh, I'll go. But I'm bending the shit out of your mini blinds on my way out.

I can see you're upset. Would 50 loose Nerds™ from the bottom of my purse help?