Polish people will look you dead in the eye and say kvyzkzp9v4wwwwz

the fact that walls get dusty is ridiculous. you're vertical. act like it.

[throwing up after 10th margarita] me: oh no I'm allergic to limes

the orchestra could overpower the conductor if they really wanted to. it’s fear that holds them back

I’m a day trader. Just yesterday I traded the other half of my Italian sub to a homeless guy for a full release massage.

Men don’t become more attractive when we age. We are just closer to death, which is attractive to you.

You should be allowed to smoke on Spirit Airlines.

No one cares what color Jesus was. He could've looked like a Hemsworth or Denzel or Antonio Banderas. What's important is that Jesus was smoking hot.

Cigarettes that moan when you smoke them

The swordfish is an apex predator. Its only fear is the penfish.

Do British people still do the accent when nobody's around

I’m not afraid to commit a major crime if I hear a certain prison has good chili.

As a rule, I don't have time for famous people. I've got my own ego to maintain.

pronouncing Bojangles like Los Angeles

It's always annoying to be woken up by someone mowing the lawn. Just go around me, OK

[Sarah McLachlan plays over a montage of me trying to parallel park]

Why do the Marines even need biologists?

Hi please don’t vape around my baby. We’re raising him exclusively on Marlboro reds.

Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my cake gettin' shoes.