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"Treat people how you want to be treated." --- I avoid everyone

Welcome to Elephant In The Room club, no one talks about it.

“Reunited, and it feels so good.” 🎶 *me, between bites of this delicious vanilla with chocolate chunks and caramel frozen yogurt

I'm going to go eat dinner and then go grocery shop tonight. And I'm very excited about it. And it also makes me very depressed that I'm very excited about it.

me: cooking is so relaxing me, 5 minutes earlier: *yelling at my family to get out of the kitchen because there are too many noises and it's too hot*

When I said I wanted a meat stick, a shish kebab wasn’t what I had in mind but whatever.

1812 overture, but it's just the number of fireworks my neighbors have set off tonight

I’m not healing. I’m just lying on my bed like I’m in a Delia’s catalog, waiting for a boy with spiky hair to ruin my life.

My 76-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring. After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."

Hear me out, a meeting notepad with the header that says “smack your head here”.

Message in from school. Disco tonight ends at 8.30pm and children need to be collected.

Happy loud noises and bright lights to those who celebrate!

It's weird that you can go from near death to alive with just one cup of coffee.

You’re a dad now… your job on 4th of July is to sit in a lawn chair with a beer, hose in one hand and pop its in the other to throw at your kids’ feet when they’re not looking.

6yo: Dad, let me see your muscles. Husband: *flexes* 6yo: Where are they?

Listening to a southerner read the Declaration of Independence is the perfect start to a July 4th celebration. I do declare.

How husbands and kids must think: There's no need to listen the first time, or the second time, or even the third, because wife/mom will tell us again and again. She loves doing that!

I’m “needs a nap before the fireworks start” years old

AI is like that eager, elderly relative who can’t wait to give you advice.

This can't be the same body that would stay up late for fireworks.