I am often mistaken for an adult because of my age.

I wrote a blistering 14 minute diss-track about my local Arby’s because they don’t honor all of my coupons.

you can be having a great day then you talk to your teenager.

Child [doing homework]: What's an example of a palindrome? Me: Mom. Child: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome? Wife: Dad. Child: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

i think about whether medusa’s leg hairs are little snakes more than i care to admit.

All I want in life is to make a living selling handmade fudges and crocheted items at a cute little farmer’s market

whenever my life is a mess, i organize a drawer - me, a Virgo

Shakespeare: Love is blind. Love: Do you have this book in Braille?

When I look back at 90s videos I have to think we all must have smelled pretty bad

I don’t like the person I become when someone tries to tell me that the 90s were 30 years ago.

Heard someone call it inter-mitten fasting and is that how you get a winter body

What kind of life have you have you lived for your rug to end up in a viral rug cleaning video?

me: there are 5,280 feet in a mile. 9yo: that's weird, let's just use the metric system.

I saw a parent at the McDonald’s play area take out a flask and drink from it and while I’m not saying it’s ok I do understand

If there’s one thing I don’t like, it’s something I can’t stand.

Watching an old series on Hulu and there's no skip recap or skip intro options, and I feel like I'm back in the Dark Ages watching TV.

Just heard a loud crash from the other room and then my kid asked who wanted to see what 1300 legos looked like, so that's probably fine

schools: we need a note post absence for your student to return me [who never writes notes]: legally you have to take him back

How I’m going to bed knowing I cleaned all day but you can’t tell cause my family lives here