Omg, you guys, the Jehovah's Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I've been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Every kiss begins with Gene & Paul asking Peter & Ace to join

My mother said she expects to see all of you at church tomorrow.

The thing about the bagpipes is you need to get up early and practice softly before the rest of the family wakes up.

You cannot control that which is unpredictable.

'your cat will eat you when you die' yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

Judge: *throws the book at you*

Judge's cat: *pushes book off high shelf onto you*

I don't dance to seduce, I dance to scare people away

shhhhhh. my show’s coming on!!!!

Ego is believing self ends at skin’s perimeter

A Bloody Mary garnished with a sausage biscuit.

If you are an adult who doesn't like vegetables, have you tried all the vegetables???

No one:

My kid setting up his toy in the creepiest way:

stop calling them boneless wings ok they are chicken nuggets.

canceling plans on a saturday night? you mean self care??

as a youth you never truly understand until you get there - the adult love for a recliner

Pharaoh: this pyramid will be a testament to my greatness

Servant: I bet it’s just a pile of rocks one day

Pharaoh: what

Servant: nothing

“Live your best life,” I say as I climb into my bed at 8:30 p.m. with a good book, a chocolate bar, and freshly changed sheets.

If avoiding people at the store was a professional sport, I could be a 1st round draft pick.

Can't. Having an argument in my head